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Handy Dandy Hitting Machines


The baseball bat is recognized along with several other blunt objects a traditional way of killing zombies. The best part about these hitting machines is that it is very hard to miss your target (unless you are Wendy Torrance in Kubrick’s The Shining).Beating the living dead’s head in with a crowbar, or even a hockey stick, is a method that is still being practiced in zombie entertainment today. Using this method requires a large team along with you, all armed, in case you turn around the next corner and bite off more then you can chew. There are various results from trying to bash a zombie to death (well…deader) Results include, though are not limited to 1) “I totally worked that zombie and now my golf club is stuck in his head, and there is a zombie behind me gnawing on my shoulder” 2) “I can’t seem to even damage this zombie and I think he’s mocking me with his moaning insults”, and 3) “I swear I killed that exact zombie once before and I don’t think I was really meant for this world and I give up”. There is one big advantage to using a smashing object rather than a gun; you don’t have to choose which zombies need a bullet (since ammo is in short supply), but every member of the walking dead is just waiting for a good whacking from an ironing board. How do you know you are wasting bullets? Three words: living dead skeletons. You know the ones. You blow them up with a missile launcher and they fly into pieces…and a couple seconds later their bones have reformed and they laugh at you, and you cry, and then you get mad, then cry some more, then WHAM! A frying pan to where the sun doesn’t shine! That leads me to another point. The skeleton zombies are the easiest to kill with a fire extinguisher, axe, or another zombie skeleton’s bones. Don’t you hate it when you think that the skeleton zombie is dead, but then some dark, evil, and sinister power puts them back together again? Argggh! In fact that is when you’re dealing with something even bigger than zombies and its best to get the hell out the there while you still can (and if you can’t, your likely playing a Nintendo game or trapped in a dimension that’s set in the medieval times). Once the zombies start to infest the world, I would recommend using some sort of blunt object to send them back to hell, or at least gang up with someone slower than you are.

Comments

Anonymous said…
---$ean--- Yes!!! i absolutly adore blunt objects! oooh the satisfying crunch on your old 5 foot baseball bat (big sucker) on someones head!! brass knuckles would be nice too, but it dont think they're considered a blunt weapon. Bottles full of acid work well on zombies, and it keeps the whole blunt style, but adds a poky twist! muahaha
November 30, 2005 8:54 pm
Christopher Trottier said…
Oh man. That's hilarious.
December 01, 2005 6:53 pm
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