Friday, January 19, 2007

ZOMBIE SNAKES!


Once the movie Snakes on a Plane was on the big screen, audiences and viewers couldn’t possibly think of a situation that could be worse. To me there is an obvious worst case scenario. Zombie snakes on a Plane…!!!!

Zombie snakes break all rules of the zombie survival guide. They can creep into small places and their speed wouldn’t really be reduced to any significant measure. Also they don’t moan or leave hints of their whereabouts. Once snakes turn into the living dead, they are more relaxed and don’t have much taste for human flesh. They just have a taste for hurting you for no apparent reason, and I mean a snake bite to the eye….red swelling so much you can’t even see…throat getting itchy and starting to close off because unfortunately your allergic to snake bites as bad as some people are to bee stings…you catch my drift. A snake’s venom is a powerful weapon, but once zombified, that deadly power is enhance to turning its victims into mindless zombies. Also now people have a reason to fear garter and corn snakes, whereas at one point they were considered the more, shall we say ‘Friendly’ snakes.

Now if confronted by an anaconda, or as I like to call them Zombaconda (a breed found in the strangler family of zombie snakes. Closely related to the squeezing me so tightly that my head will explode family), take comfort in knowing that once the life is squeezed out of you, you’ll be a zombie trapped in the belly of a snake. Now imagine the discomfort the Zombaconda will be in until you are fully digested.

Overall, in the movie people managed to survive. However, if it was zombie snakes, the probability of that is slim to none. Not only do you have to deal with zombie snakes, but with their re-animated human victims that will join the zombie horde and try to gobble down your insides. Anyways, that doesn’t sound soooo bad…
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Monday, May 15, 2006

Sewer Dwellers


Zombies have a characteristic that can be found in many other types of bedtime stories monsters. A taste for human flesh… The sewer dwellers are a species closely related to zombies except they have more sense in choosing their victims. Zombies tend to go for whatever they can get, whenever they can. Even if over a hundred other zombies have the same idea. You know when you’re trapped in a house and all the zombies are trying to get a bite out of you; it is not like one human can feed an onslaught of zombies. Perhaps they are just followers and don’t want the other zombies to think they are uncool.

Anyways, back to their cousins, the sewer dwellers. Sewer dwellers are the bodies that are dumped into the sewer by some hire man trying to cover his or her boss’s tracks. The horrible betrayal that the victims have endured makes them quite bitter… and not so optimistic (that’s probably why they live so long… just to make their lives even more miserably then it already is). The one goal that all sewer dwellers try to achieve is to make everyone feel as terrible as they do. Like sometimes they come out of the sewers at night and spray paint your mail box. Of course no one is going to blame the obvious sewer dwellers…no they blame teenagers (like we would do such a thing).

Unlike the classic zombies, sewer dwellers are very good at communicating. This way they can still order pizza with anchovies and peanut-butter, their favorite. Also zombies are not shy, and never hide from humanity. In fact you can’t hold a zombie back when there is a delicious… succulent, meaty, little human, just waiting to be ripped apart… But I’m not into that stuff. Sewer dwellers hide in darkness and train crocodiles to do there bidding.

Now the part everyone needs to know when confronting a sewer dweller. A) Look at them straight in the eyes, and if they don’t have any, just look where they would be if they had. B) Don’t look disgusted, but more sympathetic, and speak kindly. C) Don’t ask them if they know how to speak because their not stupid, their just mutilated rotting flesh. D) Once talking peacefully, tell them how you are alike and not obviously different. These four steps can save you when confronting a sewer dweller.
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Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Beware of the Zompiks!


People always believe that zombies will eat whatever they get their hands on (juicy melons, rump, a liver, or a pair of Kidneys). Yes they are frightening… but not as frightening as the real picky zombies. They are known as Zompiks. A regular zombie would eat your internal organs without even questioning the quality, but the Zompiks would never take a whiff of those internal organs unless they are salted for weeks then sprinkled with human eye flakes. How do they salt these human internal organs? Well you have a net that is floating on top of the ocean water marinating raw meat with sea salt. Once both sides of the bloody mess have the sea salt on them, the Zompiks will use their mindless zombie slaves to pull the net in onto the shore and let the internal organs dry within the sunbeams. It’s a simple method and the zombie slaves are awarded with the left over human limbs, because the Zompiks believe the limbs are eaten by the more unintelligent zombies. Some times the Zompiks eat the humans alive because the meat gives them more energy to frolic around during the day. So if you are to be eaten by a Zompik, just know that your death is not going to be an easy one, so it would be best to be bitten by a regular zombie and join their zombie horde or hope for some miracle that all the zombies around you (500…600 I’m counting) will be struck by lightning.
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Friday, January 06, 2006

Most Frequent Asked Zombie Question...?


If a zombie infects you by their bite, is it curable?

Yes it can be cured by two simple methods, though both very painful and just as deadly. The first method is immediately chainsaw the bitten limb before the little Ooobers spread through your body. Ooobers are the deadly germs within the zombie's teeth that act as a poison and turn you into a mindless zombie. They look like the Great Gazoo from the sixth season of the Flintstones. Also I remind you that it would suck if the zombie took a bite out of your jugular, and thinking decapitating yourself would save your skin.

The Second method takes more guts than pain. Once a zombie bites you, you immediately bite the zombie back in the same place. The Ooobers that were transferred into you go back to the zombie. I recommend that this method is done with extreme caution. If there is an onslaught of zombies around you, I'm afraid that the only path you will walk is the zombie path. Also, they won't care if you're trying to bite him or her back because now you are in their grasp and vulnerable to another infectious bite. Both methods umm… well… suck. Instead I recommend that you welcome your soon to be zombie heritage and the culture that surrounds it. Spread the word of the zombie horde, and you will not be resisted, because all it takes is a bite to create new and a little fresher followers.
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Thursday, January 05, 2006

Good Ol'Granny


One summer evening in my quiet mountain town, living in my Winnebago I heard a knocking at the door. Quickly I went to answer hoping it would be those brownie girls selling chocolates. Unfortunately it was my great grandmother paying another one of her long visits from the dead. How I hate when she comes unexpectedly, since my whole neighborhood by this time is calling the cops. The good thing is… the cops stopped taking their calls a long time ago.

Anyway, I know a handy trick to shorten these visits from any living dead relative. With my method you can go on with your daily routines like milking the cows, and making sure your house always has four blue, black, and red pens present at all times (the most important routine of all). First you welcome your old relative in your house, so the neighborhood doesn't get too nosy. Second, you bring out the book of the dead (available at any local library). Then you recite the words gullio-goo-goey-goop. Try to put the words together in a fast sentence, but mess up; then your house will be sent to another dimension. If said correct, your relative will feel the urge that he or she has unfinished business and head off for their much needed destiny fulfilling. You should now have at least a good two, three weeks before she comes back. Kind of like your last waxing.
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Saturday, December 24, 2005

Happy Holidays



Happy Holidays to everyone, and see you in the new year!
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Monday, December 19, 2005

A Modest Theory


Ever wonder where zombies come from? I do. I think I came up with a valid hypothesis. In a galaxy, far far away of course, superior beings of an alien race dumped these zombies on Earth. Perhaps it was trash day, or they just did not get along with the zombies, and decided that alien and zombie would both benefit in relocating zombies to Earth…ERRR. How inconsiderate not notifying us how to communicate with these zombies. If they at least taught us their dialect then we could ask politely to the living dead salesclerk currently nibbling (putting it lightly) on your finger to please stop. Instead we are forced to shoot them, and every now and then take pleasure in slaughtering them (I know you like it). I say we all write a petition to this alien race in taking their zombie horde back to their home world and give us something even cooler, like a human crossed with a giraffe, or teriyaki noodles the size of a two story house…Wait, how about a gun that shoots laser ketchup and mustard on your hotdogs (which looks like neon radioactive mush). Anyways, back on topic. How do we mail this petition to these aliens? I was thinking of getting the Strong Man to use his mighty arms to throw the petition (that is hooked onto a boomerang) into space. Set at the right velocity and vector, the letter should be received in about…I don’t know… 102, 105 years I’d say. That’s the minimum years, so until then all we can do is try to survive so the aliens don’t feel that we stood them up. Be patient and this zombie problem will be sorted out in due time, then everything will be back to normal again.
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