The Zombie Times

People always believe that zombies will eat whatever they get their hands on (juicy melons, rump, a liver, or a pair of Kidneys). Yes they are frightening… but not as frightening as the real picky zombies. They are known as Zompiks. A regular zombie would eat your internal organs without even questioning the quality, but the Zompiks would never take a whiff of those internal organs unless they are salted for weeks then sprinkled with human eye flakes. How do they salt these human internal organs? Well you have a net that is floating on top of the ocean water marinating raw meat with sea salt. Once both sides of the bloody mess have the sea salt on them, the Zompiks will use their mindless zombie slaves to pull the net in onto the shore and let the internal organs dry within the sunbeams. It’s a simple method and the zombie slaves are awarded with the left over human limbs, because the Zompiks believe the limbs are eaten by the more unintelligent zombies. Some times the Zompiks eat the ...

If a zombie infects you by their bite, is it curable? Yes it can be cured by two simple methods, though both very painful and just as deadly. The first method is immediately chainsaw the bitten limb before the little Ooobers spread through your body. Ooobers are the deadly germs within the zombie's teeth that act as a poison and turn you into a mindless zombie. They look like the Great Gazoo from the sixth season of the Flintstones . Also I remind you that it would suck if the zombie took a bite out of your jugular, and thinking decapitating yourself would save your skin. The Second method takes more guts than pain. Once a zombie bites you, you immediately bite the zombie back in the same place. The Ooobers that were transferred into you go back to the zombie. I recommend that this method is done with extreme caution. If there is an onslaught of zombies around you, I'm afraid that the only path you will walk is the zombie path. Also, they won't care if you're trying to ...

One summer evening in my quiet mountain town, living in my Winnebago I heard a knocking at the door. Quickly I went to answer hoping it would be those brownie girls selling chocolates. Unfortunately it was my great grandmother paying another one of her long visits from the dead. How I hate when she comes unexpectedly, since my whole neighborhood by this time is calling the cops. The good thing is… the cops stopped taking their calls a long time ago. Anyway, I know a handy trick to shorten these visits from any living dead relative. With my method you can go on with your daily routines like milking the cows, and making sure your house always has four blue, black, and red pens present at all times (the most important routine of all). First you welcome your old relative in your house, so the neighborhood doesn't get too nosy. Second, you bring out the book of the dead (available at any local library). Then you recite the words gullio-goo-goey-goop. Try to put the words together in a f...