The Zombie Times

Happy Holidays to everyone, and see you in the new year!

Ever wonder where zombies come from? I do. I think I came up with a valid hypothesis. In a galaxy, far far away of course, superior beings of an alien race dumped these zombies on Earth. Perhaps it was trash day, or they just did not get along with the zombies, and decided that alien and zombie would both benefit in relocating zombies to Earth…ERRR. How inconsiderate not notifying us how to communicate with these zombies. If they at least taught us their dialect then we could ask politely to the living dead salesclerk currently nibbling (putting it lightly) on your finger to please stop. Instead we are forced to shoot them, and every now and then take pleasure in slaughtering them (I know you like it). I say we all write a petition to this alien race in taking their zombie horde back to their home world and give us something even cooler, like a human crossed with a giraffe, or teriyaki noodles the size of a two story house… Wait, how about a gun that shoots laser ketchup and mustard on...

You know that you have bad luck when you confront a smart zombie. How these zombies gain their brain power is simple; once they eat over one thousand human brains it makes up for their stupidity. This is why all the juicy brainy scientists seem to die out, and we are left with farmers and their pitchforks to defend the human race. Smart zombies are extremely clever and witty, and love to tell jokes about world domination, guts, and gore. All the newly born zombies (recently bitten) look up to the smart zombie. They look to him for answers about how to assort flowers by shape and color (Also where to place severed human heads to momentarily shock humans while the zombies do their sneak attack). It is wise not to pick a fight with an intelligent zombie because you will only make a fool of yourself. As you try to pull the two finger poke in the eyes trick, the smart zombie will totally deny you by blocking it with his one hand placed in the middle of his eyes. Your confidence decreases as...

“The probability in this day of age for a zombie popping out from underneath your bed is very high,” says some doctor (or claimed to be a doctor) we found in some dark spooky alley way. He appears to have a Phd in zombietology, and has been in the field for over five years now, trying to get the worlds attention about crucial zombie information that humans have the right to know about. “Already I heard of five classified cases of zombies popping out from underneath children’s, newlyweds, and grandparent’s beds.” His expression goes dimmer as he also talks about how people never believe these stories when they hear or see them. “The majority of humans today have never seen a zombie before, and the ones that have seemed to always be shipped off to some sort of asylum. They are made to look like a bunch of loonies!” I did not get any more info from the doctor because the sound of police sirens at the next block forced the doctor to make a quick getaway. I decided to take matters into my o...

One must always be prepared for the day the living dead walk the earth. This is just as important as setting your smoke detectors and planning escapes routes for various fire scenarios. Let’s say you are stuck in a mysterious cabin in the woods, located in the middle of nowhere (the scary one, where if you run away in a straight line, you will always end up at that cabin...that mean, menacing cabin). This is where you realize that you have unfinished business and must fulfill your destiny to save the annoying neighbor in distress from the evil zombie king. I know what you are thinking; “Boohoo, the cheese-fest zombie king is coming to get me.” But that is when you realize that he is in fact not a zombie, but a wicked wizard who is controlling the zombies with his magic staff, topped off with some sort of snake head. oh! Or a zebra head! What if you were not prepared for this situation? Would you be saying, “I wish I were prepared for this situation.” Or maybe, “I vaguely remember seei...